will power is for people who don't want to get laid
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
