the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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