i already hear my dad disowning me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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