Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
