Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
