My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
