Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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