She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
