her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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