Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you would pick up someone in the library
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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