I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
