u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
