How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
