If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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