R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
