mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
