This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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