Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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