Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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