I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
