I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
