If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
