Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
