my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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