Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am naked and annoyed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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