Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
