I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
