wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
