two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
