the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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