Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
