i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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