It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
