I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
