my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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