im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
