is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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