you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
even my farts smell like vagina
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
