i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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