i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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