WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
