we're chasing vodka with high fives
what day is it and did you see me today?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
