apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
