She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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