Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
