just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
