Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Randomize
