I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
