mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
