Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
